FLYING

Our flight was scheduled to depart at 9:05 from Cincinnati and arrive in West Palm at 11:33. I got to the airport at about 7:30, parked in 'long term', pulled a muscle lifting my wife's bag, struggled with the kiosk, half-stepped through a serpentine walkway like a steer being led to slaughter, stripped down to my underwear going through security, took the train to the terminal C shuttle, was bussed across the tarmac while holding onto an exotic dancer's pole and soon found myself in a shopping center attached to an airport. My wife led me straight to the newsstand so she could buy six magazines telling about "Britney's secret" or "Jen's new boyfriend" or asking if "Brad and Angelina" were going to adopt another baby. Soon my son and our granddaughter arrived and we found a spot near the gate 33 entrance to sit and await the boarding call. My wife took her 'fight anxiety pill'. Our doctor took care of her. She could take up to four of them in one day.

With about 75 others , we walked down the long corridor to the last gate, out onto the tarmac and boarded the Canadair regional jet about quarter til nine. The plane pulled back right on time and taxied to the runway. The pilot revved the engines once as we reached the runway and stopped. We sat there for a long minute and then he keyed his mic. "We have a problem with the plane that requires maintenance. We're going to taxi to an open area and let them take a look at it." So, there we were, rumbling over the uneven concrete for another ten minutes til we made a rendezvous with two maintenance trucks. Another ten minutes and the pilot again keyed his mic. "I had noticed that we were low on hydraulic oil and now the maintenance guys say that it is actually a hydraulic leak. It can't be fixed quickly. We will taxi back to the terminal. Someone will meet you there to direct you. You can use your cell phones if you need to call someone." My wife took her second pill.

When the plane reached the terminal at gate 33 again, the flight attendant keyed her mic and said. "Just keep seated. There is a plane at the next gate, number 31, that we may be able to use. Our pilot will check it out and if it is okay, we'll just walk off of this one and onto the other." It sounded like a good plan to me. It only took about five minutes. "Sorry, that plane has issues, too." So we all deboarded, some laughing, some crying, but most cursing Delta airlines.

We were back in the terminal only about 15 minutes when they called us to board at gate 31. "That wasn't too bad!" As we were walking down that corridor again, we noticed those first to enter were coming back. Oh, no! The customer service lady was directing everyone back into the terminal. "This plane still has issues!" My wife took her third pill.

Another half hour had passed when they called us for the third time. My wife, son and granddaughter where in the shopping center area and I was left holding two back packs, a stuffed dog, a bag full of gossip magazines and a bottle of water. I stood and watched everyone pass through the gate but my family was nowhere to be found. I headed out to the shopping area and there they were in line at McDonalds. I yelled, "Everyone is on the plane except us. Do you want to go to Florida or not?" Lucy's chicken nuggets which had already been paid for were left for others. Off we ran, back down the corridor to gate 31.

We were seated and quickly ready to go when the flight attendant keyed her mic. "Ladies and gentlemen. You probably saw the puff of smoke come out of this plane when we were in the other plane sitting next to it." For a moment there was an audible silence in the plane, then a hushed roar, and then a collective, "What?" She said, "Oh, you didn't see it. Well, now you know. There is a small problem with an engine. That's why we don't have the air conditioning on. When we back out, we will have to turn the lights out. They are going to jump start this thing but when we get into the air and can turn both engines on, everything will be okay." I swear to God, that is basically what she said. A small boy in front of me asked his father what "jump start" means. My wife took her fourth pill.

That had to be the craziest thing ever said in an airplane. About the time we got to the runway, the pilot explained that it was a small engine that is used only on the ground that wasn't working. They had our plane hooked up to a generator while we were at the terminal. Everything else was working fine. We seemed to stay on the runway a long time during take-off. When the plane begrudgingly lifted off, some in the rear clapped. Another guy yelled, "Let's wait 'til we land to clap."

The flight was fine once we got through the heavy low level weather. Little Lucy wanted to keep her window closed. Once she asked if we were going to tip over but she was great. The battery on her dvd player pooped out long before we landed. We landed right at two hours later than scheduled.